It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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