I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
