...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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