i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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