We won't sleep together?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just found puke in my bra..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
