Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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