What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
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We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
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Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation