She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
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it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
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Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.