In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
