i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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