Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think your dad took our porno
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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