DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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