I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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