You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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