I heard we made out
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just invented taco cereal.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
