I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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