i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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