I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
