is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
