when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
