I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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