Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
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