I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
