I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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