I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
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Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
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Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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