it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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