I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
