Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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