My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
