Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
