Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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