Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
