Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
