There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
