I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
