no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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