All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Pooping to opera.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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