please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
