My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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