I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
