i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
