Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
