the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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