Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
