Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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