We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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