Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
