6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
