corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You made out with two different species that night
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
