If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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