i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Say something about gay babies.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
