At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
