I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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