And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
