When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
