I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
