i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
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dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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